Navigating New Beginnings
I have a little secret. Lean in now. Closer…closer. Okay, are you ready? Here it goes. Sometimes.. I get scared. *gasp* Whaaat!? Shocking! I know.
Seriously though, I pride myself on being pretty stoic in most scenarios. But every now and then, there are a few things in this world that can get even this mild natured soul in a serious spook. New beginnings are top of that list.
Listen, i hate the idea of admitting a new beginning (or anything for that matter) is the thing that can shake me up and sit my a** down. But it’s true.
So, how do we acknowledge the very real fear that stepping out of our comfort zones really is, and also manage to still do it because we know that success ultimately comes from discomfort?
If you’re reading this like, “Girl. That’s what I wanna know!” Don’t worry! I got you. In this guide, we’ll discuss how to successfully navigate life’s strangest gift: new beginnings.
Sitting with the discomfort
The first step to any major healing is acknowledgement. In this case, we’re healing ourselves from the fear of being uncomfortable. We unfortunately cannot hide from discomfort in our lives. But what we can do is use it to our advantage.
The best way to take advantage of discomfort is by sitting with the uncomfortable feelings and emotions it brings up. When a new beginning arises, it should be an exciting moment! But the fear of uncharted territory, potentially rocky waters, and a general sense of the “unknown” can all lead you down a paralyzing spiral.
And i do mean paralyzing.
These are feelings so raw, so strong, they can completely overshadow any inkling of excitement we may have once had. In extreme cases, it can cause you not to pursue the new opportunity at all, only to stay in what's familiar and comfortable.
Now, it might seem counterintuitive. Sit in the discomfort? You may say “Sitting with those uncomfortable feelings is exactly what gets me to that dark place! No, I simply can’t go there”. To which I'd reply, You’re probably just not doing it right.
When I say Sit in discomfort, I do not mean to Stew. One requires you to stay in a state of great anxiety or agitation. Whereas the other simply requires you to pause, analyze, and reflect over the feelings you’re experiencing in the moment. That’s it. No further action required. Any further thought and you’re surely running into stew territory. Remember, we’re getting ahead of the situation. You want to be in control of your feelings. Don’t let them control you.
This also means being okay with grief.
Grief is as natural to our lives as water and air. You simply can’t escape it, so you might as well embrace it. Take time to grieve the past version of you. You are entering a new space which is going to require some change. It’s okay to miss the person you once were.
You may be starting a new job and are feeling guilty about leaving your old one. That’s okay. You may be entering a new relationship, but find yourself occasionally missing your ex. That is normal and okay. You may be starting a new school or entering a new grade. It’s okay to miss your old friends or classmates.
Basically, grief is natural and should not be looked at as something to avoid. Embrace it! Grieve the past as you prepare for your future.
Identify your internal motivators
Internal motivators are exactly what they sound like, things that motivate you to do something simply because you want to do them. It means the motivation to accomplish your goals comes directly from within you. On the contrary, external motivators come from a source outside yourself.
So you can want to get good grades because it’s important to you to strive for greatness. That would be an internal motivator.
Or, you can want to get good grades so that you can stay on the athletic team which requires a minimum gpa. That would be an external motivator.
The reason why it’s so important to have internal motivators in general, but especially when entering new beginnings, is because there will be many external factors battling for your attention during this time.
Apply this to any new beginning, but for this article let’s use the example of starting a new job.
So you accepted the offer for your new job. Congratulations! I’m sure you’re dying to get started. But first, you might want to ask yourself a couple of questions, ya know, just to make *sure* this is the right choice.
Some of those questions you may ask yourself are:
How will this hurt/anger/upset the people around me?
What if they don’t like me?
What if they don’t like my ideas?
How much more money will I be making?
What will this do to my status/popularity?
Will I get a reward from someone for this?
If you found yourself relating to any of these questions, you might be more motivated by external factors than internal ones.
The best way to not get caught worrying about external factors is to be firm in the things that motivate you, simply because you want it.
Think more broadly about the things you do in life and why. When was the last time you did something purely for enjoyment of the activity itself?
Are you reading books because you genuinely enjoy reading? Or is it for some outside reason? Are you posting content because you like creating? Or are you secretly hoping to gain boosts in engagement? Did you pursue this new beginning because you actually want to? Or are you seeking some type of external reward such as more money, increase of status, because someone else wants it, etc?
When you identify your internal motivators, the things you do solely for you without the consideration of the outside world, then new beginnings don’t seem so scary.
And even when those icky thoughts about external factors do arise (and they will)
You will have something so strong, so clear, and so personal, to point to within yourself, that suddenly the answer to all those questions becomes: Who Cares.
Find Your Tribe
Building a support system aka your tribe is one of the best things you can do to help you navigate change and the transitions of everyday life. Humans are built for connection and we need people in our lives that we trust, who can occasionally offer encouragement, guidance, and tell us hard truths.
This is an area that I'm working on in my life personally. Building and finding your tribe is hard. Especially as you get older. First, I'd suggest looking at the people who are already in your circle that you may be overlooking. I talk to my sister roughly a few times a week. And I try to check in with my brother at least once a month.
These are interactions I had previously considered “normal”. I overlooked them as part of my tribe because they’re my siblings. I have to talk to them. But as I looked deeper, and truly analyzed my life, I realized that I don't have to talk to them. I want to. And I want to because I trust them.
Trust is an integral part of building your tribe.
The more I looked, the more people I found that met that criteria. I have a few friends and family members that I trust to offer encouragement, guidance, and criticism. But I recognize my privilege there. So let’s say you don’t have any one who meets that criteria. What then?
In this case, I'd suggest using sites like Yelp which has categories to make searching easy and efficient, Meetup which is a great way to meet groups of people, find support, and explore your interests, and Eventbrite where you can discover or create events (some of which are free) and find like minded people there.
Fitness is another great way to find community. If you play sports, try finding community pick-up games, leagues, or tournaments to meet others with similar interests. Apps like Volo have memberships where you can find leagues, games, and classes for every sport from pickleball to soccer. They’re currently housed in 11 states. Metro areas usually have bustling fitness scenes, but smaller or rural communities have also the added benefit of intimacy that many cities do not.
Overall, whatever your interests are you can find a community with similar interests. If you want more tips on finding community, check out my last post The Creative/Professional dilemma where I have a whole section on finding community and safe spaces. Remember, a tribe can be whatever you want it to be! You don’t need to have 10+ people to have a tribe. Studies suggest, we only need about 3-5 people to live a fulfilled life. If you meet just one person that you think you can trust, you’re already 30% there!
Conclusion
To sum this all up, new beginnings are scary for everyone. Whether you’re 14 starting highschool or 45 and getting divorced, starting something new requires some level of change. The best way to embrace this change is to get excited about it. Pump yourself up! Take a moment to sit with the discomfort, maybe even grieve the past if that’s what you need. But remember to sit and not stew.
After you’ve got excited and ready to begin your new journey, you will need support. Studies show we only need about 3-5 people in this lifetime to be fulfilled. Find a few people you trust to offer encouragement AND criticism. In this digital era, there are so many ways to find community and friendship, but don’t be afraid to take a closer look at the people who are already in your life that you may be overlooking.
And lastly, when navigating a new beginning, you want to find your “why”. Identifying internal motivators, aka things that motivate you to do something simply because you want to do them, is such an important step in getting comfortable with change. Why? Because the universe has a funny way of making it seem like whenever you’re in a period of transition, those intrusive, doubtful thoughts become the loudest. Our bodies naturally don’t want to change. Human beings will always strive for homeostasis which means the second you decide to do something new, your entire nervous system will be ripe with activity. This is a critical time. If you allow those doubting thoughts to penetrate for too long, you will psych yourself out of taking that brave step.
And it is a brave step.
Remember that you cannot grow while being comfortable. Comfortable growth is an oxymoron. Realize that the best things in life happen when we are free and trusting ourselves fully. Life is full of ups and downs, starts and finishes. But this is your story. You get to decide how to tell it.